**Author’s note:  This story is intended solely as satire any resemblance to anything meaningful is solely unintentional.  Furthermore, be warned that I was watching a lot of action movies when I wrote this.**

Siege of Network Television

By Spoon of the Nameless Ones

On a normal day, within a nondescript facility housed in a weary town filled with apathetic citizens, something extraordinary happened.  Six men with no names met for the first time since life sent them their separate ways.  Though the room where they sat was sparsely decorated, each man had a chair as eccentric as his own personality.  Five of the chairs rested in a semi-circle facing the sixth where the organizer of this gathering sat in a large leather chair with his folded hands atop an unsheathed katana.  He lacked the height for most to consider him an imposing presence, yet his presence demanded respect nonetheless.  Resting his head on his hands his short hair melted into the shadows causing his eyes to dart like phantoms in the darkness.

            Immediately to his right sat a solid man in a high suede chair, sporting semi formal apparel, short hair and a neatly trimmed beard.  Similar to the leader of this assembly he appeared grimly focused, gripping something in his right hand.  Next to him sat a larger man clad in leather armor who gleefully smiled as the light reflected off his glasses accentuating the blackness of his hair in the poorly lit room.  Despite his apparent desire to appear foolish, however, he still prominently displayed the two broad swords the accompanied his armor on either side of his torn fabric chair.  Continuing around the arc, the fourth man sat strapped in a steel chair with thick padding and strange controls mounted on the arm rests.  With his hands gripping the controls that vaguely resembled joysticks, the man himself sparkled in an emerald green suit whose hypnotic effects paled only next to the massive red beard he wore.  The fifth man was slightly smaller than the others, sitting in a large leather chair he wore a formal blue suit and appeared completely unarmed.  Completing the arc was another larger man who simply wore blue jeans and a t-shirt.  He sat in a large blue suede chair eyeing the others with playful familiarity. 

            The men had gathered at the summons of their friend with the katana, not knowing the purpose of the meeting.  As a few moments passed in silence, it was clear that they did not need to know.  Any of these men would come to the aid of any of the others should the need arise.  They were a nameless brotherhood, and though they each followed a unique path since parting, they all took great joy in this reunion.

            Following a brief silence as the men evaluated each other, the man with the katana said, “Welcome nameless ones!  I have asked for this meeting to discuss a matter of great importance to us all.”  Allowing his statements to settle he shifted his weight forward leaning on the sword as a holographic display emerged in the middle of the group.  The display featured a large office building that appeared to pose no threat to anyone.  As puzzlement settled onto the faces of the group, he continued saying, “This office houses the corporate headquarters of the new reality television network.  While we have chafed under the invasion of this menace for some time, this new insult shall not stand!  I am afraid they have forced our hands, reality television must end through any means possible.”

            A variety of smiles reflected the news as the man with the green suit and red beard known only as The Leprechaun exclaimed, “We must crush them all!  I have planned this for years.  To the hover tanks!”

            As his chair began to retract toward one of his hover tanks, the leader drew a plasma pistol from a holster on his right hip firing it into the air.  “Please wait a moment Leprechaun, this operation requires some additional planning.  If it were easy, I would do this myself.  However, this building is not as vulnerable as it appears.”

            During this exchange the man to the leader’s right appeared engrossed in study of the building, ignoring the accustomed outbursts of The Leprechaun.  As the room quieted, the man pointed at the structural members of the building asking, “Are these fortifications, titanium or composite Baka?”

            “According to the public blueprints, it is primarily constructed of steel and titanium Spoon.”

            “In that case, a frontal assault may be warranted.  At the very least we could distract the security forces with a valid threat to the foundation.  That is assuming that the public records are accurate.”

            Sighing, Baka leaned back in his chair saying, “I was thinking of something similar.  While The Leprechaun leads a small force of hover tanks against the building, an infiltration team will focus on the true goal of destroying this plague on our society.  It will be difficult, but I plan to sneak through the security and destroy the master copies in the vault.  This is why I have called all of you together.”

            Nodding in agreement Spoon volunteered, “I will accompany The Leprechaun at the front.  Stealth really isn’t my style.”

            This garnered a suppressed “Awww,” from the man on his right who added audibly, “But then you won’t get to have fun with any of the puzzles!”

            Spoon shot a glare at the man indicating that this discussion had occurred many times before replying calmly, “That is the point my dear Atsu.”

            Atsu appeared ready to reply, when Baka quickly said, “That will work fine Spoon.  I will require Atsu, Berger, and BMO on the inside however.  The two of you will need to maintain their attention for some time without assistance.”

            The Leprechaun boisterously replied, “Our forces shall not be ignored!  We will march as a force of unstoppable terror!”

            With these words he retreated into his nearby tank as the chair lifted into the machine causing it to roar to life.  Shaking his head, Baka turned to Spoon asking, “How far do you think he will get before he comes back for directions?”

            Spoon smiled replying, “He may not have to.  That is if you give them to me now I may just catch him in time.”

            Nodding sagely, Baka handed Spoon a carefully drawn map saying, “Godspeed my friend, and try not to hurt anyone.”

            Spoon grabbed the map and started running for the tank shouting over his shoulder, “We will be careful as elephants I assure you.”

            Smiling and shaking his head, Baka turned to the others saying, “We at least should make our plans with care.  Our operation requires more delicacy than the diversion.”

            As he spoke the projected image flickered and changed to show the roof of the structure.  While the new image sharpened a few bright points appeared indicating various potential access points.  Walking into the image, Baka stated plainly, “There are three possible entry points.”  Pointing to the various points in turn he continued, saying, “We can either take the vents theatrically sliding through a concealed laser grid.  The fire escape is another possibility; however, it is heavily wired for sound.  Lastly, there is the option of creating our own entrance at a central location away from the security.”

            Berger eyed the design carefully from his seat to the left of Baka’s empty chair commenting, “If we timed the explosion to coincide with a volley from the hover tanks, it may go largely unnoticed.  At least it would buy us some time.”

            Nodding in agreement, Baka replied, “I concur, if there are no objections we shall move on.”

            After waiting a few moments he smiled extinguishing the image as he said, “Come then, there is much to prepare and precious little time.”

****

            Elsewhere in the world the target building sat silent.  Unaware of the coming assault the security guards patrolled lethargically, uncertain why they carried such powerful weaponry.  Pacing in their designated routes they occasionally checked the guns apathetically until a distant thunder rolled into their ears carrying a resounding shout of, “DOOM!”

            As the voice rumbled in their ears a large explosion ripped the gate in front of them to shreds.  Some of the guards fled in terror while the more resolute formed a resistance moving into various bunkers as the tanks charged forward.  Smiling broadly as he leaped from the rear of the main tank extending a laser blade Spoon quietly said, “This ought to be fun.” 

****

            When Baka and the others sailed into the scene on gliders, the entire building was in chaos.  Tanks besieged the structure as small pockets of guards fired futilely at the behemoth invaders only to have a laser sword slice apart their weapons chasing them from the battle.  Observing the scene Baka commented, “I have to admit, those two know how to make a good diversion.”  Landing their crafts the four men quickly went to the middle of the building to lay their explosives.  Moving to a safe distance with the detonator Baka closed his eyes waiting. 

            Within moments a volley of cannon fire arched toward the roof causing various explosions throughout the structure.  One of which happened to lead four men into the building, and that much closer to their target.  From here the plan was simple.  Disarm the various security checkpoints avoiding detection and find the vault at the center of this tower.  Of course, things never quite go as planned. 

            The four men quickly found themselves coursing through a maze of cubicles and other strange structures.  Working down into the building they started seeing various statuettes displayed prominently that made the place feel like some forbidden temple.  Doubling their pace as the sounds of the battle outside became more indistinct the men found themselves in what seemed to be a sandy beach populated with unrealistic accoutrements.  Turning to the others BMO asked, “And they call this ‘reality?’”

            To their surprise a schmaltzy voice replied, “Actually we call it a billion dollar industry.  Now why don’t you gentleman reconsider your silly little plan.”

            Facing the man who unexpectedly confronted them they replied in unison, “I am afraid that will never happen.” 

            Sighing, the man who wore a fancy suit and appeared glued to his cell phone retorted, “Well then perhaps my friends can persuade you.” 

            Saying this he left as a quartet of attractive young women approached in his stead wearing tight leather outfits that shone under the artificial lighting.  In the background a heavy guitar riff complemented by thunderous percussion started playing as the women said almost in one voice, “We are going to have teach you naughty boys a lesson.”

Looking at each other in confusion Berger asked, “Are they playing rock music on the building intercom?”

Chuckling Atsu replied, “Of course, don’t you know that fight scenes are always accompanied by rock music?  I just wish it were more appropriate for battle, or at least some good 80s music.”

As the women lithely moved forward, Baka and Atsu drew their swords as Baka shook his head saying, “Idiots, they are all idiots.”

With a shriek the women attacked causing the men to defend themselves.  BMO randomly yelled, “Go Shirt!”  Throwing some wadded shirts uselessly at his attacker who merely appeared confused.  Afterward he quickly ran to the exit evading her grasp.  Atsu parried every blow, carefully ensuring that he never touched his attacker. 

Witnessing this as he trapped his foe under a faux tree Baka asked, “Atsu why aren’t you fighting back?”

Without blinking he replied dryly, “Well I could never hit a girl.  That just isn’t right.”

Grumbling as he moved on to defeat the woman diligently chasing BMO, Baka sighed looking to see how Berger was fairing.  Oddly enough Berger remained exactly where he started.  Curious, Baka moved to investigate finding that Berger had frozen his foe in a stasis field and was now deeply engrossed in a novel.  Suppressing a chuckle he asked, “Mind helping Atsu out so we can move on?”  Without looking up, he moved one arm toward the embattled pair freezing Atsu’s foe as well.  Shaking his head and leading the group deeper into the complex Baka said, “Well moving on then.”   
           

****

            Meanwhile outside the complex as the hover tanks continued to shell the building, Spoon walked over to the main tank asking, “Hey Leprechaun, bored yet?”

            Over a speaker a voice replied, “Not really why?”

            “Oh, I was just thinking maybe we should help them wrap things up inside.”

            Some strange laughter came back in response followed by a shell pounding a hole into the side of the building.  Climbing onto the tank, Spoon commanded, “Let’s role!”

****

 

            After the battle with the vixens the intercom music grew tense and the nameless invaders slowed their pace slightly until coming to a stop seeing their goal.  A large vault door towered at the end of the hall behind a tile pattern.  Shrugging Baka said, “Well seems easy enough, run the hall and blow the door.”

            Unfortunately as he stepped into the hall the tiles emanated a holographic chess set.  Stepping back Baka sighed, saying, “It is never easy.”

             Atsu, however, smiled saying, “Sweet, we get to play sports!”

            Before Atsu could begin playing the game to unlock the path, a tank crashed through the vault door revealing Spoon and The Leprechaun standing over a massive fire.  Jesting, Spoon taunted, “How many times do I have to tell you that chess is no sport Atsu!”

            Baka laughed at the remark, drowning out Atsu’s well known rebuttals.  With the tapes destroyed the nameless ones retreated into the night once again going their separate ways.  Although their mission was largely unknown and the some insisted that they failed due to the prevalence of such shows in the culture before they acted, the nameless ones knew that they had accomplished their goal, and carried in the hope that one day they might see a return to quality programming.